Wikileaks To Leak 5000 Open Source Java Projects With All That Private/Final Bullshit Removed


EYJAFJÖLL, ICELAND — Java programmers around the globe are in a panic today over a Wikileaks press release issued at 8:15am GMT. Wikileaks announced that they will re-release the source code for thousands of Open Source Java projects, making all access modifiers ‘public’ and all classes and members non-‘final’.

Agile Java Developer Johnnie Garza of Irvine, CA condemns the move. “They have no right to do this. Open Source does not mean the source is somehow ‘open’. That’s my code, not theirs. If I make something private, it means that no matter how desperately you need to call it, I should be able to prevent you from doing so, even long after I’ve gone to the grave.”

According to the Wikileaks press release, millions of Java source files have been run through a Perl script that removes all ‘final’ keywords except those required for hacking around the 15-year-old Java language’s “fucking embarrassing lack of closures.”

Moreover, the Perl script gives every Java class at least one public constructor, and turns all fields without getters/setters into public fields. “The script yanks out all that @deprecated shit, too,” claims the controversial announcement.

Longtime Java programmer Ronnie Lloyd of Austin, TX is offended by the thought of people instantiating his private classes. “It’s just common sense,” said Lloyd, who is 37. “If I buy you a house and put the title in your name, but I mark some of the doors ‘Employees Only’, then you’re not allowed to open those doors, even though it’s your house. Because it’s really my house, even though I gave it to you to live in.”

Pacing and frowning thoughtfully, Lloyd continued: “Even if I go away forever and you live there for 20 years and you know exactly what’s behind the doors — heck, even if it’s a matter of life and death — plain old common sense still dictates that you’re never, ever allowed to open them for any reason.”

“It’s for your own protection,” Lloyd added.

Wesley Doyle, a Java web developer in Toronto, Canada is merely puzzled by the news. “Why do they think they need to do this? Why can’t users of my Open Source Java library simply shake their fists and curse my family name with their dying breaths? That approach has been working well for all the rest of us. Who cares if I have a private helper function they need? What, is their copy/paste function broken?”

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, who coined the term “Opened Source” to describe the jailbroken open-source Java code, fears he may be arrested by campus security at Oracle or possibly IBM. The Wikileaks founder said: “Today the Eclipse Foundation put out a private briefing calling me a ‘non-thread-safe AbstractKeywordRemovalInitiatorFactory’. What the fuck does that even mean? I fear for my safety around these nutjobs.”

The removal of ‘@deprecated’ annotations is an especially sore issue for many hardworking Java developers. “I worked hard to deprecate that code that I worked hard to create so I could deprecate some other code that I also worked hard on,” said Kelly Bolton, the spokesperson for the League Of Java Programmers For Deprecating The Living Shit Out Of Everything.

“If people could keep using the older, more convenient APIs I made for them, then why the fuck would they use my newer, ridiculously complicated ones? It boggles the imagination,” Bolton added.

The Eclipse CDT team was especially hard-hit by the removal of deprecation tags. Morris Baldwin, a part-time developer for the CDT’s C++ parsing libraries says: “We have a policy of releasing entire Java packages in which every single class, interface and method is deprecated right out of the box, starting at version 1.0.”

“We also take careful steps to ensure that it’s impossible to use our pre-deprecated code without running our gigantic fugly framework,” the 22-year-old Baldwin added. “Adding public constructors and making stuff non-final would be a serious blow to both non-usability and non-reusability.”

The Agile Java community has denounced the Wikileaks move as a form of terrorism. “It was probably instigated by those Aspect-Oriented Programming extremists,” speculates Agile Java designer Claudia Hewitt, age 29. “I always knew they wanted to use my code in ways I couldn’t predict in advance,” she added.

Many Java developers have vowed to fight back against the unwelcome opening of their open source. League of Agile Methodology Experts (LAME) spokesperson Billy Blackburn says that work has begun on a new, even more complicated Java build system that will refuse to link in Opened Source Java code. The new build system will be released as soon as several third-party Java library vendors can refactor their code to make certain classes more reusable. Blackburn declined to describe these refactorings, claiming it was “none of y’all’s business.”

Guy Faulkner, a 51-year-old Python developer in Seattle, was amused by the Wikileaks announcement. “When Python developers release Open Source code, they are saying: Here, I worked hard on this. I hope you like it. Use it however you think best. Some stuff is documented as being subject to change in the future, but we’re all adults here so use your best judgment.”

Faulkner shook his head sadly. “Whereas Java developers who release Open Source are code are saying: Here, I worked hard on this. I hope you like it. But use it exactly how I tell you to use it, because fuck you, it’s my code. I’ll decide who’s the goddamn grown-up around here.”

“But why didn’t they write that Perl script in Python?” Faulkner asked.


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